Reassurence
by Lizard Pie
Summary: It happens to every doctor... by your own hand, a patient dies. When this hits Faust VIII hard, he turns to his father.


AN: This is _not_ underage drinking -at least not in Germany. There, the drinking age for beer is 16.

Other than that, Faust's timeline is very screwed up. He's just... too young to have become a doctor at a normal rate. And, on top of that, be a doctor with his own clinic and that... size of a house. So... this is trying to figure something out.

* * *

He'd found Johann exactly where he'd thought he would –curled up in a lawn chair, knees up to his chin and eyes focused on nothing. 

He'd just thought the light would at least be on.

Not that he was overly surprised, of course –the first kill was always hard. Knowing that your own stupidity or inability had put blood on your hands…

And to have to experience all this at seventeen…

It was a wonder, Faust mused, that Johann wasn't crying.

Faust turned on the porch light and placed a six pack on the table. Johann eyed the beer, then his father.

"I figured you could use it," Faust said, passing one over as he took a seat in the adjacent chair.

Johann nodded, taking the bottle. He took a sip and paused before gulping the drink down. Faust frowned and moved it away from his mouth.

"You do not drink something this expensive like that," he said forcefully.

Johann looked away with embarrassment, "Sorry… it's really good…"

He nodded, "Better than what you usually drink, for sure." Faust took a sip of his own and sighed, "This is what I drink when I have something terrible happen to me."

They sat in silence for a long while before Johann looked over.

"Papa…?" he asked hesitantly, "What's gonna happen to me?"

Faust glanced over, "Hm?"

Johann looked down, "…I killed someone and…"

Faust shook his head as he took a sip, "Probably nothing."

"What do you mean nothing?" he asked in disbelief, eyebrows furrowed just slightly.

"Exactly what I said," Faust told him, waving his hand dismissively, "You're only a resident right now –people will allow you a lot of leeway with mistakes…"

His mouth twitched awkwardly, "But…"

Faust looked him over, "What did you do, exactly?"

Johann took a long sip before answering, "I…. I calculated wrong… I misplaced the decimal and I…"

Faust held up a hand to stop him, "It was an honest mistake. I can't say this is your proudest moment by any means, but you shouldn't act as if this is the end of the world."

He looked away, biting his lip, "But what if I do it again?"

Faust paused for a while before leaning back with a sigh, "Is that what you're so afraid of?"

Johann nodded quickly.

Faust smirked slightly, "I'm going to share a couple secrets about being a doctor with you.

"First off, it's not a matter of 'if' you're going to kill someone at some point; it's a matter of 'when'. Whether it's a mistake, or you just didn't move fast enough, people are going to die because of you. All we can do is try to have it happen as infrequently as possible."

Johann looked to the ground, "… What if it's because I'm too young…? That's what everyone says…"

Faust sighed, "…I…. I'm not going to lie to you and say that's not a possibility. You are… very young for this."

Henrietta and he probably should have slowed Johann down when he was racing through the school system –skipping grade after grade.

Ending up at college at thirteen.

Residency at sixteen.

He was still just a child and already was working full time…

It was too much.

"But…" he added after a moment, "No one truthful would tell you that you aren't doing an excellent job."

Johann looked at his father, a corner of his mouth twitching up.

Faust nodded his aknowegement, but moved on, "But, secondly, fear is very good. It keeps you on your toes, and _that_ keeps you from being a bad doctor." Faust smiled just slightly, "This was a very good lesson for you."

Johann let that sink in for a long while. Finally, he looked over expectantly "… Have Mutti and you ever…"

He quirked an eyebrow, "We've both been doctors for over twenty years. What do you think?"

He stared at him, "Really?" When he received a nod, Johann leaned closer, "… What was your first time?"

Faust sighed lightly, "My first year of residency, I had more patients under my care than I could handle. I forgot to keep track of the potassium levels of one of them, and he died." A corner of his mouth tightened.

Johann was… surprised at best. His father's was something so simple –that he could just talk about it like this… "And…"

"Your mother's was after a routine surgery. She forgot to order a drip for the patient, and they died." He shrugged lightly, "These were nothing intentional, of course, but… they happened."

Johann looked away, "So… how do you get over it?"

He sighed, "It's not easy –especially not the first time. But, you mourn for bit, concentrate on the patients that still need you, and move on." Faust looked him over, "You have to learn to take each day at a time."

As Johann turned his gaze to the ground again, Faust wished that Eliza was actually around instead of off at… nursing school –or whatever she was doing.

Because, if Eliza could do nothing else, she could ease his mind.

Johann was gulping again, but Faust made no move to stop him.

"… Would..." Johann began after a period, his voice soft and unsure, "Would you be mad at me if I didn't think I could do it any more?"

Faust looked over at him, brow furrowed just slightly, "What are you talking about?"

"I… don't want to risk hurting people…" he said, keeping his gaze down, "If it's just gonna happen again and again… That's not why I want to be a doctor…"

Faust frowned deeply, "So that's it?"

Johann bowed his head.

"What has it been, fourteen years you've been studying medicine? After all of that, you tuck your tail between your legs when one thing goes wrong and quit."

"I killed someone…"

He leaned closer, eyes narrowed slightly, "And how many people have you saved?"

Johann paused as he chewed his lip.

Faust turned Johann's head to look him in the eye, "I thought we had raised you to be different than this –I guess we failed." He stood and began to walk toward the house. "It's such a shame for Eliza, too."

Johann paused, mouth hung open slightly, "…What?"

"Eliza, you remember her?" Faust said, looking over her shoulder, "How you couldn't stop talking about how you were going to cure her?

"If you quit now, there is no possibility of you doing that. None."

Johann looked as if he'd been struck, eyes darting as he took the thought of _her_ death being on his hands –of her death happening at all

Faust opened the sliding door and motioned for Johann to follow him inside, "I believe it would be polite to call her up and apologize right now."

"I can't do that…" he said hesitantly.

"I thought you couldn't either," Faust said firmly, "I'm disappointed to see that I was wrong."

"I'm going to save her," he said firmly, "I am."

"If that's your decision," he looked his son over, "Then there's only one thing to do, isn't there?"

Johann looked down, "I have to go back tomorrow, don't I?"

Faust nodded, "Yeah, you do." He pulled a corner of his mouth up, "Come on… let's get you something to eat."

Johann nodded, clearing the table and following his father inside.

Faust squeezed Johann's shoulder reassuringly and then shut off the light.


End file.
